Vampire brides....

Some may say that the 29th February is possibly the most troublesome day of the year. It appears every leap year and means that every forth year we have to work that extra day. Worse still it becomes unlucky for you if you are born on the 29th February, as you are going to have a very long wait for your birthday presents to arrive. Not only that, but you have to work until your two hundred and sixty before you are able to retire  But believe it or not, there is plus side to 29th February, as at least we get an extra day to do our Christmas shopping.

The 29th February is a notorious day, and is one that strikes fear into the heart of every male singleton and bachelor boy around town. By ancient tradition, the 29th February is day that the unattached female of the species is allowed to propose to the male of the species, so not a good day for the likes of me or Cliff Richard, the original bachelor boys.

The 29th is a day to dread, as the singleton has to draw upon his natural instincts and SAS (Singletons attract stalkers) training, as we step into a mine field of potential marriage proposals. So the 29th February is a day that Cliff Richard and I fear for our lives, just in case we hear the rustle of chiffon, and a flutter of a veil, as a vampire bride lurks in a dark alleyway poised to drag her next victim off down the nearest aisle. The chorus of 'For whom the bells toll', is replaced by the 'Wedding march', and it is not long before the vampire bride has got a hold of you, and slipping a ring on your finger, and not forgetting the ball and chain around your ankle.

As the 29th February is declared an open season on the singleton male, Tesco's, one never to miss out on a good thing, are promoting their latest product, 'Marriage in a can', the essential item for the vampire bride. It comes with inflatable vicar, alter, organist and photographer, just add you own congregation and 'hey presto' instant wedding.

So my fellow singletons beware, as you never know when a vampire bride may strike. I had a near escape at work, when a suspect vampire bride crept up on me, aptly disguised as a office temp.  Luckily my heightened senses instantly sprung into action like a coiled spring: "Sorry, I hate to disappoint you" I said, "but I will have to turn your proposal down....". The office temp looked blankly at me, and replied: "I only wanted to give you this fax....!"

My working day is one of wonder. Am I one of a dying bread. Will Cliff Richard and I be last of the singletons, or will a vampire bride sink her fangs in to us all eventually...? There is the wonderment of whether hordes of screaming vampire brides will be waiting for me outside my office, baying for my hand in marriages...? Or will it be like a scene from the 70's when the Osmond's were in town, and the vampire bride's stalked the unfortunate Donny Osmond and held him under siege.

I wonder if I will be like Cliff Richard, and live to be a hundred. Like Cliff, will I be doomed to a life, were hordes of vampire grannies constantly throw their knickers at me....or do I throw myself to the mercy of the vampire brides.....? If I did that, then I would not be the long distance runner with the lonely heart, and the journey would be over. Do I really want the journey to be over...? (29/2/08)

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