Renee Zellweger made the earth move for me...

A very strange thing happened during the early hours of this morning as I lay in my bed. There we were, Rene Zellweger and I doing the wild thing. When, for some unknown reason, I strangely found myself being catapulted from my place of slumber. It could have been a case of me losing my balance, while Rene and I performed a death defying position from the pages Kama Sutra...? It could have been the shock of discovering that Rene Zellweger does actually wear big pants, or it could have been my reaction, when at the height of our passion, Rene yelled out my name....."Oh Darcy yes yes yes....!!"

Who the f**k is Darcy...?

It is hard to recall why actually I flew out of bed, as at that hour of the morning I was neither half asleep nor half awake. But, what do recall was a loud rumbling that rocked in the darkness, and it was not the snoring from Rene either. My heart started to pound as I felt the room vibrate, which seemed to emulate from behind my wardrobe, then filling the room before disbursing up into the roof.  I switched on the bedside lamp, and it suddenly went quiet. The only sound I could hear was coming from a bird singing outside, which was strange and bizarre, as this was 1am in the morning.

The last time that I felt that scared by anything that went bump in the night, was when I was a youngster.  I would hide under the duvet every Saturday evening with one eye open, after watching another terrifying episode of Dr Who from behind the sofa. While I lay in bed I would listen out for every creek or bump, and I would begin to shake wondering if the Cybermen or the Yeti were lurking in the darkness, ready to get me. 

I still have that fear, though not of the Cybermen or the Yeti, but of things that generally go bump in the night. It is a fear of the unknown and what is out there unseen in the darkness. It is a fear of fear itself, as the mind plays tricks on you from its dark recess’s. But in fact there is nothing to fear at all, as the culprit to the bumps and bangs is usually the local ginger tom, as he has his way with the Persian from next door.

The alarm clock brings another shock to the system, as if I have not had a traumatic night already. I wake to find that my bed is empty. Were my shenanigans with Rene Zellweger all just one of fantasy, and did I also dream those strange and mysterious rumblings...?

It is not until I dive into my bowl of cornflakes, and turn on the radio, that reports come flooding in of an earthquake registering 5.2 on the Richter scale, which in the early hours shook the foundations of the UK. So I wasn't dreaming after all, it was real thing....even Rene Zellweger...? There are reports of devastation, wobbling chimney pots and a parrot that fell off its perch. While the structure of my house was in tact, my two goldfish are swimming around in their bowl looking confused. Firstly, they think that I have installed a Jacuzzi in their bowl, and now they have got their surfboards at the ready, waiting to ride the ensuing tsunami.

The tree huggers are claiming that the earthquake is all down to global warming. The prophets of doom, claim the earthquake is the end of the world. Me, I claim it is a result, as Bridget Jones and her big pants made the earth move for me last night. (27/2/2008)

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