By my calculations it's 180 days since the world of internet blogging last heard anything of me.. and even doing this I've had major doubts about doing which may hopefully come over the course of the entry

So here goes...  after the highs of 17th May in Manchester the old nemesis of lack of self confidence,esteem and belief all combined to make the summer of 2009  a fairly bad one. 3 days after Manchester I was supposed to have my annual colonscopsy which was perfect timing but less than 48 hours before, it got cancelled and got put back til mid June. In an instant for what reason my confidence just went on a vertical drop. When it happen a month later..a  simple day stay test turned into a overnight stop. Had breathing problems and it was thought better to keep me in 24 hours as a precaution. What I didn't realise that the problem would back to haunt me spectacularly later on in the summer. Because of the reschedule and the problem I had, there was anyway I could do the other Manchester in early July.So all efforts were put into getting me ready for the GYRin early September. Cutting the story short, by mid August any confidence I was really ebbing at an alarming rate. So after countless visits to see myGP, it was decided to re-refer me back to my counsellor..I had finished with her back in mid June but things needed sorting once and for all.

By now I was having major doubts about doing the GYR. I wouldn't be seeing my counsellor until after the race but I still had things to settle with the course and considering everything, training was going well. But we are in and we will do it...or that was the plan unfortuantley this where the real problems started to happen.

It is still very hard for me to talk, let alone write about what happen in Sheffield that morning and it's only in the last few weeks thanks to a wonder group of people that I've come to terms with what . So here goes. All was looking good when I arrived in Sheffield..a cloudy but warm morning..an ideal morning to run the streets of Sheffield and end the year on real high. My one and only problem was the hilly finish but had been doing alot of hill work with Sarah so even that fear had been erased and was out to do a course PB..but little did I know by mornings end my love for running would be in total shreds. Everything was on cousre until about 1.5k from home, I just setting myself for the final fling when without warning my breathing went out of totally out of control....but my reaction was well..take it easy you are nearly home..then suddenly I lost all sense of where I was...decision time do I quit now or do I finish even it means I walk it. Think a bit of self pride crept in and after a drink of water which a lady spectator very kindly gave me I decided I would walk tofinish. With this self pride at stake..I decided to run the last 200 meters but it proved to be a bad mistake..after literally crawling over the line..the breathing problems started again and what turn out to a panic attack..I literally kneeled over and collaspsed. Thankfully there were medics nearby and was put into an ambulance and given medical attention on the spot. Gladfully I didn't need to be sent to hospital but was advised to go at the earliest opportunity and see my GP and until I seen her, no hard excerise. But even now the love for running had disappeared down the plug..my mind had made it's mind up and said to the rest of me..no more and thus began the worst of worst of the last 6 months. I got set into thinking that even hearing or seeing the word I just wasn't interested.. Once my GP has give me the all clear and she was happy with the ECG and blood tests that she requested I was more than happy to just go back on the bike and go swimming..running and me would go our separate ways, nobody would ever persuade me back. But I reckon without a team of people that wouldn't take no for answer.

I had convinced Sarah that I needed a total break from running and she accepted it and thought well if I con her could I fool anybody. How wrong I was. Think they call it letting your guard down. At the beginning of October my appointment with Holly had come through and by now even mentioning the "R" word was out of bounds but knew would come up but I thought it would just fill 5 minutes of the session but she had other ideas..she practically turn it into a 1 subject session basically she wanted start talking about it..she could see I was in distress I tried desparately to avoid the subject but she wasn't going to give in. By the end of that hour I had somewhat reluctantly agreed that I would least read about. I was going for lovely relaxing Spa break and when I came back we would see where we were heading. But I could even see now she wasn't going let it go.

So a few days later I packed my things and headed off to the North Leicestershire for a week and here events would take a dramatic turn. I've often said Champneys Springs was a magical place but this stay would outdo the previous ones. 2 totally unconnetced events would soon have me back on the running road. The 1 reason I had turned against running was because so far I hadn't had a real conviencing explainationof why what happened..did happen. The medics said  I was dehydrated but couldn't accept that as I drank well before the race..drank during it. All people could say "well it can't be this,can't that". The ECG proved the heart was OK, the blood tests shown everything was OK.  All I wanted was for somebody to tell want HAPPEN. Not what didn't happen.

Thankfully the staff at Springs came up with a possible to frankly the only cause. Even when I arrived the "R" word was still considered out of bounds despite Holly's best efforts. But during the course of my first day, little cracks were begining to appear in my resistance. By the end of that day the flood gates would be open. Started with conversation with the Spa manager, someone who I can open up to. She suggested seeing a member of fitness team who knows a thing about this sort of thing. So thought well no time like the present..so went to the reception and this member wasn't there but there was a lovely lady called Kim who I found out later was into sports psychologyand whom I had only met for the first time earlier on in the day, she was packing up to go home, but she asked whether she could help so told her the story and within a few minutes she was explaining to me what may have happened andfirst time in  weeks I begining to understand fully the events of that morning. She had dismissed both the dehydration and blood sugar theories. What happen was is probably this. I must have had some kind of chemical reaction within my body probably caused by stress which triggered the heavy breathing, that in turn starved my brain of oxygen which caused the servere light headiness. At the end, the 2nd wave was made worse by a big panic attack which my body just couldn't cope with.

Just hearing this explaination totally transformed my attiude to the running and by the end of our hour conversation she convinced to back to the running. I said there 2 events, the second was shall we say was not excatly planned. On the Sunday morning with me feeling so much more postive about myself..I decided to go on a bike ride and explore the lovely Leicestershire countryside. Just as I was finishing I had a nasty accident..fell off and badly injured my left hand. After being wonderfully cared for by the staff.It suddenly dawned on me that there will no cycling or swimming for a considerable while..so it be would a choice between doing nothing or running. Thankfully I decided to restart the running. Before I left many members of the fitness team including "the boss" did take time out to reasure and remind me that what happen in Sheffield really was out of my control.

Since coming home I have kept my side of the baragin that I struck with the staff. Done several sessions on the treadmills including 3 10k runs..something even that I've not done beforeusly. Only today I did one in 49'11" run..which is my 4th ever fastest ever time 10k run. The only problem still is running outside. Something that I am finding very difficult to do. But again Holly is helping me with that. At our last session last week she challenged just do 10 minutes nothing more. Got to admit this is a huge barrier to overcome. Thankfully Sarah is coming to the rescue, after a stern lecture after spin last night she has convinced me to go outside again. She even offered to come with me which I have accpeted. So the plan is now before I see Holly which on the 25th of this month I should have completed a outdoor run.

As for the injuries, not quite recovered, the hand is still strapped up with a bandage, so still no swimming but I'm back on bike if only the spin ones. But it's given plenty time to back into running mode. I have a real buzz about once again.

As for the future well..it depends very much  on how I feel on running outside. But I am working towards doing HL in February..that option of not doing it, is no longer. To many people are invloved now in preparing me for it. Can't let them down. Go to have a Spa break just before HL. Apparently Springs are having some running days in January and February and have been ask to go. Desparately what to do something with the bike next year..couple of ideas being worked already. But play those close to my chest for the time being. Going to take 1 challenge at a time.

I'm very fortunate particularly in the last few weeks to have people to go out of their way to get me back to somewhere like I was earlier on in the year. Whether I get back to dizzy heights of Manchester only time will tell. But I'm going to give a damm good try and that's what people only asking for.

Sorry for the long and sometimes long winded entry but it has been an almighty struggle to get this far and as I said before I'm so so grateful to so many people to getting me even to this stage. Even running by Christmas was considered an outside bet but it's amazing what you can achieve with bit of hard work.

I said at the begining that it has been hard to write this and it's taken several attempts to do it but done I've done it so perhaps it's time to back to regular blog writing as well as the running. A new start.

John

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